


Reasons Why

by FrostFire36



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Altered Mental States, Gen, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Minor Violence, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:14:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22410844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrostFire36/pseuds/FrostFire36
Summary: This is the story of The Doctor and The Master before they were Time Lords.  It high lights the story behind The Master and his friendship with The Doctor.It's deeper and more complex then you would ever know.
Relationships: The Doctor | Theta Sigma & The Master | Koschei (Doctor Who: Academy Era)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 17





	1. Some would Run

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:
> 
> This story depicts extremely graphic images of MENTAL ILLNESS and Mental Angst. Also images of death and one suicide attempt.

“ Where are you?”

The young boy sighed, blinking in the dim evening twilight. He stood waste high in the rust colored grass. His earth tone robes and dark hair making him seem to be dissolving bit by bit as the red orb in the sky dipped lower and lower . Only his pale face and bright blue eyes stood out undiminished.

“ Theta Sigma, come out !”

The boy gave an exasperated huff. He was getting impatient. The evening curfew bells from the academy were ringing. They would be punished. He shook his head and turned to go. He hadn’t gone far when a hand suddenly shot out from a group of bushes and grabbed his leg. He gasped.

“ Kos, it’s me! Get in here!”

“Theta? What..”

“ Shut up!”

A pair of arms shot out and dragged him down into the branches.

“ Ow! Theta! What are you doing?!”

A brown eyed boy with untidy dark hair grinned at him .

“Hiding stupid!”

“ You are in so much trouble! The Elders are furious!”

“That’s why I’m hiding, idiot!”

The blue eyed boy frowned.

“Why did you have to run? They’ll send you home! Then you’ll never be a Time Lord!”

The dark eyed boy seemed unbothered by this fact.

“I’ll always be a Time Lord. So will you. It’s who we are, they just teach us the rules.”

“We need to go back, Theta. It’s getting dark…you hate the dark!”

The brown haired boy sighed.

“ You’re right, Kos. Let’s go.”

They crawled out from under the bracken and started slowly back toward the academy. The shadows were darker than ever and growing darker still.

“ Was it that terrible?” asked the blue eyed boy slinking closer to his friend as the darkness gathered.

“No, Kos. It wasn’t terrible at all. It was beautiful.”

“Then why did you run?”

The other boy was silent for a time. He seemed to be searching for the right words.

“ I ran because it was too much. Too beautiful, too big, too amazing. It hurt me to look at it.”

They walked in silence for a time. When the blue eyed boy spoke again, his voice was reverent.

“ What did you see?”

“We’re not supposed to tell.”

“Oh come on! What did you see?”

The brown eyed boy gave a sigh. His voice was full of wonder.

“I saw everything, Kos. Everything! The entire universe. Planets, stars and more, so much more. I could feel time flowing all around me like the ripples in the grass when wind blows. I could feel lives being born and fading all around me. It was amazing!”

The blue eyed boy sighed .

“You’re lucky, they say you can see terrible things in the schism.”

“ Well, next year you’ll see for yourself.”

Suddenly the dot of a lantern appeared a ways in the distance and the voice of an elder could be heard.

“KOSCHEI ! THETA SIGMA!”

The boys cringed .

“I think we’re going to see terrible things right now, Kos.” Said the dark eyed boy his eyes still closed.

Hand in hand they walked forward.

The moonlight fell in silver shadows over the dormitory room. Theta lay wide awake in the dark. Most Time Lord Children needed more rest then an adult time Lord as they had not yet learned to maximize their energy . But Theta was usually the exception, he could rarely sleep for long. No matter how much his body needed rest his mind had other ideas. Tonight was no exception.

Theta’s large, brown, eyes followed the paths of the two moons as they inched across the sky, his eyes mapping constellations of stars instinctively. He whispered the names of them to himself in the dark.

“ The Scales Of Justice, The Emperors Garden, The Tower, The Angel’s ring.”

His mind mapped the orbit of planets around the suns and moons around the planets. The trajectory of stars and any other thing he could find to distract himself from actual thought. But the memories came any way.

He thought of his family. A family he would likely never see again.

His Mother, dead now for years and his Father who he was now dead to . His father had never forgiven him for being born compassionate. He wanted a son more like the other Military Captains had, someone strong and tough. A good recruit for the Galifreyan army.

Instead, he had gotten him. Shy, sensitive, prone to tears and a Time Lord. Though his father never really cared much about the last fact. 

When they had come for him to take him to the academy his father was more surprised than reluctant. 

“This one?! You want him? You might as well, he’s not fit to be a soldier. But don’t get your hopes up, odds are he’ll never make a Time Lord either.”

It had taken Theta a long time to get over that remark and even now he still had trouble believing it wasn’t true. 

He rubbed at his eyes fiercely trying to stop the tears. Time Lords remember everything…EVERY THING. Sometimes he thought it would drive him mad, other times he wondered if it already had.

He closed his eyes hoping to lose himself in a trance, but just as he felt himself floating off he heard a noise. There were a lot of noises as one would expect in a dorm full of young boys. But this one stood out.

If anyone else had heard it they might have thought someone was trying to smother a kitten. A very angry kitten. As it was, Theta knew the sound immediately and it brought him back to full consciousness. He rolled his eyes and stepped out of bed.

Edging carefully through the dark, like someone trying to out run something very carefully he made his way toward one of the bunks. He knelt beside it and laid a hand gently on the lump of blankets from which the sound was coming.

“Kos? Kos, wake up!

The sound rose into a smothered scream, Theta shook his friend. “KOS!”

The boys blue eyes snapped open and for a moment stared blankly into Theta’s own. Then they blinked.

“Theta?”

“Who else would it be? You had another nightmare.”

The boy groaned.

“Did the others hear?”

“ No, I don’t think so.”

“Good.”

Theta was suddenly aware of a pressure on his arm. He looked down to find his friend had grabbed it and now had a death grip on it as though he were afraid his friend would disappear. 

“ It’s OK, Kos.” He said, “ It was just a dream.

The grip loosened slightly.

“ You must think I’m such a coward.”

Theta smiled, “ He says to the Time Lord that’s afraid of the dark.”

Kos smiled, then his mouth turned down into a frown.

“You’ve been crying.”

Theta brushed at his face irritably.

“So what if I have?”

Kos’s voice was scolding, “You shouldn’t cry Theta. If The Elders see you..you’ll never be a Time Lord if you don’t learn control!”

“Shut up! “ said Theta, “ Don’t say that to me!” Then he took a deep breath and steadied his tone. “ Sorry.”

“ It’s Ok, I understand. I just don’t want them to send you away. You really wouldn’t be a Time Lord then.”

“I’ll always be a Time Lord. So will you. The academy doesn’t make us Time Lords, it’s who we are. They just teach us the rules.”

Kos sighed, “ Theta, if you leave me here with these people I swear…”

Theta chuckled, “ You worry too much, Kos.”

“You don’t worry enough.”

Theta yawned.

“ I’m going back to bed. Are you all right now? No more screaming?”

Kos’s eyes flicked over his face. He felt the tap on his brain instantly.

“Oi! Kos, get out of my head!”

Kos, smiled smugly. “You’re scared.”

“ You didn’t need to read my mind to find that out.”

Kos’s smile widened to a grin. “ No, I didn’t.”

“You know I hate it!”

“ Yup.”

“You’re a…”

Kos cut him off, “Careful Theta. Remember, choose your words.”

Theta paused for a moment. “Nope, still pratt. I’m going now.”

Theta sat for a moment staring into the shadows willing his legs to move. Suddenly something grabbed his arm and he yelped. Then he heard Kos’s half smothered giggle.

“Gotcha!”

Theta wacked him on the shoulder, “That’s not funny!”

“Theta, just stay here! We’re friends, who cares?”

Theta shook his head, “No, I’m OK.”

He stood and turned, then froze.

“Kos..”

“Yeah?”

“Shift!”

Theta leapt into the bunk making sure to keep his feet well clear of the space under the bed.

“Ow!” said Kos, rubbing his head where it had bounced off the top bunk. “Why do you DO that?!”

“Sorry,” said Theta, “ It was just this dream I had once. It felt really real.”

“I know about that.” Kos spoke to the wall, his blankets forming a protective cocoon around him. 

“What do you dream, Kos?” 

Kos was silent for a moment his fingers tracing random patterns on the wall. Finally he spoke.

“Nothing.”

Theta sighed, rolling over. “ Fine, be that way.”

Kos rolled back to face his friend.

“No Theta! That IS what I dream about. Nothing.”

Theta rolled back over. “ How can you dream about nothing?”

“ I don’t know…I just do. It’s dark. Really dark. No stars, no planets, not even the light behind your eyes when you close them. “

Theta listened, enthralled. 

“ There’s no ground under my feet. I feel like I’m just floating or like I don’t even exist. When I try to scream there’s no sound….”

“And?” Theta prompted.

“That’s when I hear them.”

“Hear what?”

“ The drums.”

“Drums?”

“Yeah.”

Kos tapped a rapid rhythm of four beats on the wall. Theta groaned.

“It’s your heart beat, stupid!”

But he could feel himself trembling.

“ It is not!” said Kos defensively. “ It’s different! It’s faster! Does THIS sound like a heartbeat to you?!”

He began tapping the rhythm again.

“OK, Kos! I believe you!”

The tapping stopped.

“I don’t care if you believe me! I know what I hear!”

There was a moment of silence, then Theta spoke.

“Well, at least you don’t have to worry about that here.”

“Why?”

“Listen!”

“What?” asked Kos impatiently.

“Just listen!”

Stillness surrounded them and in that stillness, sound. Rustling, snores,bed springs creaking, the murmur of sleeping children and from somewhere far in the back of the room a very rude noise.

The boys giggled.

“Does that sound like nothing to you?” asked Theta.

“No.” said Kos, smothering another laugh. “ and it definitely doesn’t sound like drums.”

When they had settled down again and sleep was just settling over them, Kos spoke quietly.

“Theta?”

“Go to sleep, Kos.”

“I will. I just wanted to ask something. Theta….if something goes wrong during my initiation. If I come out of it different somehow. If I’m …not right. Will we still be friends?”

Theta’s eyes popped open in the darkness, the seriousness of Kos’s words hitting him like a stone between the eyes.

“Of course, you idiot.” He said, “ We’ll always be friends.”

“Really?”

“Time Lords don’t lie.”

“Yes they do!”

“ Not this Time Lord, not to you. Sorry, Kos. You’re stuck with me for a long time.”

Silence fell then. After a time the sound of Kos’s deep, regular breathing came from beside him.

Theta’s eyes remained open. He reached out his hand and found Kos’s in the darkness.

“If they take you away from me, if they hurt you, I’ll never forgive them. Never. I swear.”

Then his eyes closed and he was asleep.


	2. The Worst Possible Outcome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We see The Master's genesis through Theta Sigma's eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning:  
> Depiction of death,   
> Angst  
> Mild violence  
> Angst

“Koschie! Stay with the others!”

“Yes Elder!”

Kos turned to face his friend. “ I need to go.”

Theta smiled. “ OK. See you after the ceremony. Good luck!”

Kos gave an unconvincing smile and Theta put a hand on his shoulder.

“You’ll be fine, Kos. I promise.”

Kos nodded stiffly. The Elder called out again. This time it was full name and parental lineage.

“Some one’s gonna get it!”

“Oh shut up, Theta!”

“ See you soon, Kos.”

“ Good bye, Theta.”

Theta watched as his friend took his place in the line of novices and slowly disappeared into the distance. Something was troubling him, but he couldn’t quite wrap his mind around it. Suddenly he realized. They would see each other soon.

Why had Kos said goodbye?

The line of novices moved slowly forward. Theta watched silently from the sidelines with the other students. Each novice in turn were led to a gap in the stone face of the mountain and made to look inside. The name of the gap was “ The untempered schism” it was a rift in space and time. Whoever looked in could see time in all its dimensions and the universe in all its vastness. The novices were forbidden to speak of what they saw within the schism. But through his own experience and the reactions he’d seen, Theta knew not everyone saw the same thing and as a result no one reacted the same way.

There were no runners this time. Some of the novices smiled or wept with joy. Others winced as though in pain or tried to turn away and others did not react at all. Those troubled Theta more than if they had fled screaming. How could you witness time and space and not react?

Finally, it was Kos’s turn. Theta felt his stomach clench in sympathy. He met eyes with his friend and gave an encouraging smile. Kos returned it weakly.

“ Koschie, come forward!”

Kos obeyed his head high, no hesitation as he had been taught.

“Why do you come?”

The High Elder’s voice was deep and solemn. Kos’s voice seemed small and very insignificant in comparison as he replied.

“I have come to be enlightened.”

“Koschie you are about to look into the heart of time its self. The center of the very universe and its secrets. It is not a deed to be taken lightly. Will you look?”

“Yes,Elder.”

As the High Elder stepped aside the schism its self was revealed. From a distance it looked like nothing more than a gap within the stone. In truth that is all it would have seemed to be to anyone other than a Time Lord. Kos approached slowly, allowing the High Elder to lead him toward the schism until he stood right before it. Then he stepped forward and froze.

For a moment nothing moved, there was no sound. It seemed to Theta that the planet its self was holding its breath. Then Kos smiled and as the smile broadened, Theta felt his hearts begin to beat again. Then it happened.

Kos’s smile faltered, then faded into a frown. His mouth turned down and his forehead crinkled in confusion. His mouth opened once, twice but no sound escaped. Theta and the other students stood in shock as Kos’s body stiffened and his hands flew to his head as he screamed.

Run.

Theta heard the word echo in his mind as he watched his friend writhing in agony.

Run, Kos. Look away and run. Please.

RUN!

Theta thought the words with all his might hoping somehow his friend might hear him. But he was met by a barrier so strong he felt his thoughts shatter against it like glass against rock. He opened his mouth to yell but before he could gather his breath Kos’s body went rigid and flew back as though propelled by an electric current. His body came to rest at the feet of the High Elder and lay there convulsing violently.

“KOS!”

Theta found his voice at last. Terror ripping his friends name from his throat.

“Kos, No! NO!”

He felt hands grip his shoulder but he threw them off, fighting through the bewildered crowd of students and Elders . Hands reached out to grab him, voices called his name. He payed them no attention but fought his way through the tides of people until he reached the knot of Elders clustered around his friend. He pushed forward and the knot gave way giving him a clear view of what lay at its center. 

Kos lay still and pale on the stone ground. His wide blue eyes were open staring into nothingness and his face was frozen into a grimace of terror and pain. Theta fell back in surprise.

Dead.

He had prepared himself for anything today. Anything but this. 

“Kos..” he whispered just as hands grabbed him, pulling him away.

“Come away, Child. There’s nothing you can do.”

In shock, for a moment Theta allowed himself to be lead away. He felt his hearts pounding in a way he’d never felt before and the very air its self, seemed to be closing in on him. He was suffocating. He had to get away. Then the hands loosened and he was gone.

He ran. He ran faster even then when he had all of eternity at his heels. He didn’t know where he was running too or what he would do once he got there. All he knew was he had to escape this horrible thing, this sorrow, that threatened to crush his hearts. 

How fast do you have to run to outrun the inevitable?

A group of Elders finally blocked his way and he was forced to stop. He stood panting, glaring defiantly at them.

“Get out of the way…”

“Calm down, Child!”

“Get out of the way!”

“You’re going to hurt yourself. Stop this!”

That was when he hit the Elder.

He fought against the small group of surprised Elders with fists flying and feet kicking. It was all a frantic blur to Theta as he bolted away again. This time he ran face first into a pair of arms that wrapped around him, holding him close so he couldn’t struggle. Slowly like a clock winding down Theta became still in the tight embrace. He looked up into the pale blue eyes of Elder Euras, the mentor that had been training Kos and himself.

He allowed himself to go quiet in her embrace. He felt the panic bleed out of him, though his breath still rasped in his lungs and he never turned his defiant glance from her’s.

“Theta…” She said with a weary sigh, “ With me.”

Before he could open his mouth to protest she had lifted him off his feet, holding him fast as he struggled.

Soon they came to a pair of iron doors. Theta was just in the act of yelling “Get off me !” When the Elder dumped him on his feet in front of the open doors. “In.” She said, in a voice that left no room for argument.

The room was of medium size. Dimly illuminated by two glowing orbs that cast a pale yellow light. The walls, ceiling and floor were covered with padded silk.

“You will stay here, until you are in control. Do you understand?”

Theta looked at her wide eyed all his defiance disappearing at the thought of being locked away.

“ Please, don’t lock me up! I’ll be good, I swear!”

Elder Euras spoke calmly. 

“This is not a punishment. It is a privilege. Many Time Lords have used rooms like these throughout history. A Time Lord’s emotions, in particular anger are more intense than is usual. That is why they are encouraged at a young age to learn how to handle their emotions. But to hold in too much can be dangerous. So these rooms were invented as places to release emotion safely and without injuries to others or ourselves. Do you understand now?”

Theta nodded. “Thank you, Elder.”

His tutor left, closing the door with a click behind her and he was alone.

Left alone with his emotions Theta felt a rage building in him. Rage at The Elders for forcing Kos to take part in such a dangerous ritual, rage at himself for not trying to stop it and most of all rage at the universe its self for the unfairness of it all. He could not run here. Deprived of its normal outlet all his emotions pooled into one and he exploded outward like a dying star.

He yelled, he swore he pounded on the walls of the chamber until in spite of the silk his knuckles bled. He cursed everyone and everything that had ever wronged him. As the anger spilled from him, hot tears fell from his face as he mourned for the loss of his friend and the loss of the part of himself that he would never get back.

When he was spent he fell to his knees sobbing. His body seemed to fold in on its self of its own accord his face burying its self in his knees and there he remained until the door opened again.

“Theta Sigma?” 

Elder Euras had the gentlest voice of all the Elders . But even her gentleness made Theta start. He wiped his face as best he could with his sleeve and raised his tear stained face to meet the eyes of his tutor.

“Rise before your Elders.”

On trembling legs, Theta complied his head bowed.

“Are you done?”

He nodded miserably.

“Speak when spoken too.”

“Yes, Elder.”

Elder Euras’s tone softened. “Good. You need not be afraid you’ll not be punished.”

“But I struck an Elder!”

“You struck several Elders.” Elder Euras rubbed her neck her eyes closed, “Myself included. But given the circumstances this can be over looked.”

Theta lowered his head again and in a low tone, spoke. “ I did tell them to get out of the way.”

Elder Euras cleared her throat loudly but not before the sound of amusement escaped her lips.

“Yes, you did and I’m sure that will be taken into account also.”

Theta took a deep breath, choking on his tears. “What about Kos?”

Elder Euras drooped slightly, her eyes sorrowful. “ The Elder’s in the infirmary are taking care of him.”

“I want to see him. Before they send him home. I want..I want to say goodbye.”

“ Kos will not be sent home. His family would prefer if he remained here and we took care of things.” Theta saw her eyes blink . Her tone was precise, “ They wish to keep things, quiet.”

“But he’s their son!” Theta felt disbelief and outrage on behalf of his friend, “ Why wouldn’t they want to take him home? He should be with his family! He deserves that much.”

“I agree Theta, but the council has voted and…”

“ He needs to be with his family!”

Elder Euras fixed her eyes on his. “Theta..I know that look. Calm down,now!”

“No! I’m sorry, but no! This is wrong! The dead need to return home or their spirits will get confused! You know I’m right!”

“Theta, you don’t understand.”

“I understand my friend is dead and no one seems to care!”

“Theta, Kos is not dead.”

Theta felt the wind leave his lungs and he stared at his tutor in shock.

“What?”

“ He’s not dead.”

Theta struggled to understand what was happening, but the thoughts kept spinning away.

“Of course he’s dead. I saw him!”

Elder Eurus’ tone was gentle.

“His hearts did stop for a while. But we managed to get them going again. I should say help him get them going again. Kos has incredible fight in him. Both hearts stopped and he was fighting to survive. You could feel it.”

Theta fought to keep his voice level.

“Can I see him?”

“Not yet. He’s still very ill. It wouldn’t be safe.”

“But he’ll be alright won’t he?”

The Elder’s mouth became a tight, thin line. “He will recover.”

Theta narrowed his eyes at her. Something was wrong.

“ What does that mean?”

“ It means he will pull through.”

Theta knew she was choosing her words. She was hiding something.

“What are you not telling me? What’s wrong?”

Elder Euras turned away.

“ Don’t question your…Oh never mind that rule is ridiculous!”

She took a deep breath and lowered herself to Theta’s level .

“I was hoping this could wait, after all you’ve been through I wanted ..”

“He’s gone mad hasn’t he?”

Elder Eurus seemed shocked at his directness, she did not or could not respond.

“ Why don’t you just say it? Why do people always drag out bad news? It doesn’t help it makes it worse!”

“ I am sorry, Theta. Truly I am. “

Theta waited for the pain to hit. The terror. Anything. But he felt nothing.

“How bad?”

“We don’t know, yet…but it’s bad, Theta.”

Theta turned his head away struggling with the hot tears he felt beginning to form behind his eyes.

“ I hate the Elders.” He turned back to Elder Euras, “Not you! The rest of them.”

“ You blame one you blame us all. It’s all right Theta, I understand.”

“No, you don’t!” snapped Theta, “How could you possibly?”

He tried to ignore the look in Elder Euras’ eyes. She loved Kos too, he knew it but he was too angry to care.

“ They did this to Kos! They knew what might happen but they did it anyway! They’ve always known! But they keep doing it!”

“We are doing what has always been done.”

“Well it’s wrong! I wish I’d never come here or Kos! I..I don’t want to be a Time Lord anymore!”

The tears were falling again he could feel them hot on his cheeks. He did not even try to brush them away. He waited for shock or anger from Elder Euras. What he got was silence as she turned away.

“Elder?”

As she turned back, Theta could see her eyes were glazed with tears. He was horrified. Elders never wept.

“ Don’t cry! Please don’t cry!” All the anger melted from him at the sight of his mentor’s tears. “ I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. It’s just so unfair! If anyone’s to blame it’s me! I should have listened to him. Kos knew something was going to happen and I just told him not to worry. I told him everything would be all right. I promised him!”

He broke down then his body wracked by sobs . His hands covering his face. Like The Weeping Angels of old. Then suddenly he felt arms wrap around him, gathering him in tightly in an embrace. Lips just touching his hair in a gentle kiss.

He stiffened at first at the unaccustomed touch. Then he melted into his mentor’s embrace.

“ Theta, listen to me. Please, just listen. What happened to Kos…no one could have predicted it. In all my years here I have never seen a reaction so violent. This was no one’s fault. It just happened.”

Theta could not respond. He burrowed deeply into the embrace, drawing strength from the affection he felt there. The Elder tightened her embrace.

“I know I’m not supposed to do this. It is against Counsel rules but I don’t care. You and Kos have always been special to me. Since the moment you arrived I knew there was something special about you. You have become like my own children and I…have grown fond of you.”

Elder Euras drew away gently, keeping Theta’s hands in her own. 

“All I ask Theta is to not give up . Not just on being a Time Lord, but on Kos as well. You both need each other more than ever now. “

Theta blinked back his tears and straightened up. His voice solemn and older than his years.

“I’m sorry, Elder. I allowed my words to get away from me. I will control my emotions next time.”

Somehow hearing that he was needed always made Theta forget his own troubles and in their place would be nothing but a burning desire to help. He wiped his nose messily with his sleeve and met Elder Euras’ gaze steadily. 

“I won’t give up on being a Time Lord and I’ll never give up on Kos. You have my word!”

Elder Euras smiled.

“Theta Sigma. You are the most singular child. So strong and yet so gentle. So young and yet so old.”

Theta got to his feet a new energy filled him. There was a certainty now and at last a feeling of hope.

Elder Eurus spoke, “ If you remember anything else. Remember this. You are not alone Time Lord.”

“I’m not a Time Lord yet.” Said Theta.

The Elder put a hand on his shoulder, her voice was deep with emotion.

“Oh yes you are.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning:  
> Mental illness

After two weeks had passed and Theta was still not allowed to see his friend he decided to take things into his own hands.

Leaving the dormitories at night was strictly forbidden. However, when you have a dormitory full of brilliant children the inevitable is bound to happen.

Theta was not a wanderer. An almost pathological fear of the dark made him stick close to the safety of the dormitory. But there were two things that were stronger than his fear and those were his loyalty and compassion. 

So it was that Theta found himself creeping along the dark halls, gripping his energy lantern like a weapon and hoping he could remember how to get to the infirmary. It ended up being more complicated then he thought. The winding corridors looked different in the dark and his nerves made his eyes play tricks on him. He imagined every corner held an Elder ready to snatch him up and return him to the dormitory. 

Finally he reached the infirmary. It was pitch black except for the moon light. The rows of white covered beds lay empty. Except for one. He approached quietly and pulled aside the curtain that was around it.

Kos lay cocooned in his blankets as always. Theta noticed how much Kos’s face had changed since he’d seen him before the ceremony. His friend’s skin was a translucent pale and his eyes were swollen with deep circles beneath them. He looked as though he’d aged years in just a few days. Theta could only imagine the sort of suffering that causes a change like that.

Kos stirred with a whimper and Theta reached out his hand tentatively giving him a gentle shake.

“Kos..”

To his surprise Kos’s hand flew out from under the covers and grabbed his wrist in an iron grasp. Kos’s eyes flew open and fixed on him. It wasn’t fear he was seeing in his friends eyes it was pure hatred.

“Kos! It’s OK it’s me!”

Slowly the steel blue orbs began to soften and soon it was the gaze of his friend again. 

“Theta?” 

The iron grip loosened and Theta’s wrist was released.

“Yeah..” Theta said swallowing the lump in his throat, “It’s me.”

Kos emerged slowly from his blanket cocoon to lay on his back turning tired eyes on Theta.

“What are you doing here?”

“They wouldn’t let me see you. So I snuck in.”

“Is that why you haven’t come to see me? I thought maybe you didn’t want to see me. I thought maybe you were afraid of me.”

“Don’t be stupid. Of course I’m not afraid of you! You’re my best friend! “

Theta took Kos’s hand he was glad it was so dark. Kos would not have liked to see the tears he felt gathering in his eyes.

“I thought you were dead.” He said, “Don’t ever do that to me again!”

Kos laughed and slowly Theta joined him. But all too soon Kos’s eyes turned serious.

“ Theta, you know right? About me.”

Theta felt his stomach turn slightly.

“Yeah. I do. But it doesn’t matter.”

Kos withdrew his hand, his eyes meeting Theta’s intensely.

“It does matter, Theta! It matters a lot. I’m not myself any more.”

“You seem fine to me.”

“For now!”

Kos looked away for a moment then turned back with a sigh.

“ I can’t explain it to you..I don’t think I’ll ever be able too. But that day..when I looked in the scism..what I saw. It did something to me. I-I’m not right Theta.”

Kos whispered the last part so softly Theta barely heard.

“ How are you not right?”

Kos turned his face.

“Are you going to make me say it? I’ve gone mad.”

“That’s what they say. Why?”

Kos looked at him puzzled.

“ What makes them think you’ve gone mad?”

Kos lowered his eyes. “ I hear voices.”

Theta bit his lip. “That’s not so bad. The Elders say some Time Lords hear voices all the time.”

“ Not these voices. These voices are wrong. They talk all together. Like a crowd of people all talking at once.”

“ What do they say?”

Kos’s eyes were glazed with tears. “They call my name. They tell me to do things. Terrible things.”

“Do you want to do those things?”

“ Of course not!”

“ Then, can’t you just tell them to shut up?”

Kos’s voice was a frustrated hiss. “ Don’t you think I’ve tried?! It doesn’t work. There are too many of them. They’re too loud to ignore…Theta, I’m scared!”

Theta could feel his own hearts racing, but he squeezed his friends hand.

“Don’t be scared,” he whispered his face close to Kos’s in the silvery moon light. “ I’ll help you. We’ll fix this together.

“I can’t be fixed! You know that. “

“Then we’ll sort things out. I’m not giving up on you Kos. “

Kos looked at him “ Theta…” he began. Then his expression changed. He seemed to be listening to something deep within himself. Under his breath. In barely a whisper he heard Kos muttering to himself.

“Shut up, shut up, shut up…” His eyes closed tightly.

“Kos? Talk to me, Kos. What’s going on?”

Kos opened his eyes and stared directly into Theta’s eyes.

“Theta..You need to go.”

“What? No. Tell me what’s wrong!”

“ Theta please! Just go!” Kos’s face was contorted in a mix of pain and fear. “ You have to leave!”

“Kos…”grou

“NO!” Kos sat bolt up right. Theta felt his small but strong hands digging into his shoulders. “ I told you to get out! Are you an idiot?! I don’t want you here! “

“ Kos..”

“GET OUT!”

Kos pushed him with such force Theta fell back. “ It’s Ok Koss,” he said crawling backward, “ I’m leaving..just calm down. Please?”

Foot steps echoed through the room as a group of four grey robed Elders appeared . Three of them went to Kos who was curled up on the bed with his hands over his ears, whispering to himself. The other lifted him to his feet and with a brisk, “Theta Sigma, With me!” Dragged him out of the infirmary by his arm. He could hear Kos’ sobs as he was led away into the dark. 

When they reached the dormitory the Elder knelt down to his level.

“You know every word I am about to say to you, I can see it in your eyes.”

 _But your going to keep talking anyway._ Theta thought

“ I will not drag this out unnecessarily. But I suggest you go in there and think about the damage you could have done. To yourself and to Koschei.”

“I was only trying to help!”

“You will not raise your voice to your, Elders! Go inside and if I see you set so much as one toe out of that door you will be explaining to the High Elders! Are we clear?”

“Yes, Elder.”

As the door to the dormitory shut behind him, Theta allowed himself to throw a silent temper tantrum.

The words he said had they been audible would surely have gotten him expelled.

Language.

He sat down on the bed moodily. Even in his anger The Elders had their influence on him.

He flopped down on his side glowering out the window at the silver topped trees and stars. If no one let him near Kos then how could he hope to help him?

Elder Euras. She might help.

But getting so much as five minutes of an Elder’s time outside of classes was not an easy task. How could he be sure of getting Elder Euras’s attention?

Suddenly it dawned on him.

Elder Euras was head of his section.

In order to get her attention he would have to misbehave. Badly.

“Theta Sigma! What in the universes name were you thinking?!” “

Elder Euras was standing before him as well as the Elder that taught his class history.

“I am so terribly sorry about this, Elder Lysinnia! “ Said Elder Euras as she stood beside Theta. “This sort of behavior is not…”

Elder Lysinnia’s tone was weary and tart as a new apple.

“ I’m afraid I rather doubt the quality of your instruction, Elder Euras. Could you please explain to young Theta Sigma here that the poem inscribed on the tomb of Rassilon the first is not…”

She leaned over and whispered in Elder Euras’s ear . Elder Euros’ face was horrified as she reached out and grabbed Theta by the shoulder .

“As I said, I am terribly sorry about this and I assure you it will not happen again. Thank you.”

Elder Euras’s fingers were sharper than the talons of any falcon as she dragged him down the hall.

“ Have you lost your senses?!” She hissed as they hurried down the hall. “ How did you even learn

rhyme in High Galifreyan? To do that in front of Elder Lyssinia of all people…Theta you embarrass me!”

Theta struggled to keep up with Elder Euras’s angry strides.

“I was trying to get your attention.”

“Well you’ve certainly done that. Now, what is so important?”

“It’s about Kos. You wanted me to help him, but the other Elders won’t let me near him. How can I help if I’m not allowed to see him?”

They hadn’t slowed down a bit. Theta wondered if Elder Euras had been a runner at her initiation. 

“Oh Theta.” She sighed “You will end me. I swear.”

She stopped peering down at him.

“I’ve explained to you why we are keeping Kos away from other people. It wouldn’t be safe. Not for anyone else or for Kos.”

“Kos wouldn’t hurt anyone. You know that!”

Elder Euras exhaled deeply and knelt to be on his level. Though whether from empathy or Exhaustion he could not tell.

“ Kos is different now. He isn’t always himself. Surely you must have seen that for yourself when you went on your little adventure. Oh, yes. I heard about that.” She rubbed her eyes wearily.

“You must be patient. Respect the decisions of The Elders. You will help Kos when the time is right.”

“But..”

“ For Pities sake Theta will you just d? o as your told?”

Theta bowed his head. “Yes, Elder.”

Elder Euras’s eyes narrowed suspiciously.

“That’s all no protests, no stubborn arguments?”

“No, Elder.”.”

“You’re going to go do whatever you want any way aren’t you?”

“Yes, Elder.”

Elder Euras rose with a huff.

“ Look. If you won’t do as your told at least promise me this. Promise me you will never go to see Kos unless I or another Elder are with you. Promise me Theta.”

“I promise.”

She nodded. “ Go back to your lessons. Oh and Theta, if you ever disgrace yourself like this again I will not be there to bale you out. Do not do it!”

Theta nodded.

So they went their separate ways. Theta could hear Elder Euras muttering as she strode off.

“ End me, I tell you. End me!’


End file.
